Mastaria's Blog

Listening is something we inherently do everyday. Excellent communication skills is an ability that takes practice to perfect. Abuse victims need good listeners.

Active listening involves good interpersonal skills that shows the person you’re with that you truly care. There are many facets to listening well. The first is the most obvious: stop talking. If someone is going through a rough time due to abuse or any other traumatic event in her life she needs to talk.

Ensure that the environment is conducive to good listening by eliminating all distractions. Turn cell phones and pagers off, take phones off the hook, turn off the stereo and if need be, go to another area in which there is no chance of people interrupting.

Actions speak louder than words. Although empathizing with the other person can be done verbally, body language speaks louder. Constant eye contact, leaning the body toward the speaker and sitting with good posture are all indicators to the speaker that there is effective listening happening.

When the person you’re listening to says something that can be taken different ways or is simply just not understood, ask for clarification.

There are times when a person is talking about her situation that the listener has a connection and interrupts with her anecdote. As much as it may seem relevant to share an anecdote, when the speaker needs an empathetic ear, it’s not the appropriate time. Later in the conversation if the speaker asks for advice then this may be the time to share the connection.

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Concentration

Avoid pseudo-listening (appearing to be listening yet thoughts are elsewhere) at all costs. Actively focusing attention on words, thoughts and emotions is crucial and it takes energy. Smile when appropriate and offer to hold a hand or to give a hug. Assuming that your speaker wants a hug may not be in her emotional best interest.

Reactions

Sometimes what the speaker says may trigger emotions in you. Controlling negative emotions is not easy but it’s essential. When negative thoughts and emotions consume the listener this can prevent proper understanding of what is being said. Also, if a person is sharing a horrific incident (ie., disclosure of abuse) and sees the listener is consumed with anger then this may prevent her from speaking any further. If it is appropriate to react then try to react to ideas, not to the person.

Speaking:Listening Ratios

People can listen faster than they can speak. Speech occurs on average at 100-150 words per minute. Thinking is about 200-250 words per minute. In essence when a person is speaking to you, you have some spare time. Use this wisely by staying focused on the interaction and formulating some advice if and only when it is asked of you .

Avoid Antagonizing

It’s very important not to use words like “you should”, “you shouldn’t” or to criticize or argue. This is the time to be listening. If you’ve been asked for your thoughts, opinions or for advice, it’s crucial to avoid “you” words. Own everything you feel, think and say. “I feel there is a lot of hurt and anger and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Those words will get better mileage than “you’re angry and you shouldn’t be going through this.” The speaker already knows this.

Listening to others is not as easy as it sounds. Putting aside personal worries, stress and biased opinions in order to devote total attention to another is very difficult. Learning and practicing how to do this will make a huge difference in the life of a person who has suffered abuse. It’ll also be an invaluable tool to have in day-to-day social interactions.
Read more at Suite101: How to Improve Listening Skills: Abuse Victims Need a Compassionate Good Listener http://abuse.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_improve_listening_skills#ixzz0asn4l2EG

Do you know how much time do you spend listening? It is estimated that half of our time is spent listening. Good listening is an essential part of active communication and makes us better managers, customers, coworkers, supervisors, parents and mates. Most of us aren’t good listeners; however, listening is a skill that you can always improve.

1. Focus on the speaker and let them know you are listening by giving verbal cues such as, ‘yes’, ‘ I see’ and non-verbal cues such as, nodding, leaning forward and smiling. Give the speaker your full attention
2. Make eye contact, look at the person you are speaking to or who is speaking to you. Looking in another direction or distracting glances appear as though you are not listening.
3. Avoid interrupting. It’s rude and you cannot talk and listen at the same time. If you assume what people are going to say before they say it and then interrupt to respond to your assumptions, you will annoy the person you are talking with and you will miss the real message.
4. Ask questions and try to see the other person’s point-of-view. Don’t assume that you know what the person saying if things are not making sense for you. If you are unsure of the meaning ask for clarification and then if you are still not sure repeat it back to them.
5. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings; make them feel like you understand and that it is okay to feel the way they do.
6. Be patient when you don’t understand; getting upset won’t solve any problems but will only create more.
7. Express your point-of-view and make a conscious choice about your response.

There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they are saying.

1. Pay attention.
   Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message. Recognize that what is not said also speaks loudly.
   • Look at the speaker directly.
   • Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!
   • Avoid being distracted by environmental factors.
   • “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.
   • Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.
2. Show that you are listening.
   Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.
   • Nod occasionally.
   • Smile and use other facial expressions.
   • Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
   • Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.
3. Provide feedback.
   Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.
   • Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
   • Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?”
   • Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

1. Defer judgment.
   Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.
   • Allow the speaker to finish.
   • Don’t interrupt with counter-arguments.
2. Respond Appropriately.
   Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.
   • Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
   • Assert your opinions respectfully.
   • Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

Hear What People Are Really Saying

Listening is one of the most important skills you can have. How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, and on the quality of your relationships with others.

We listen to obtain information.
We listen to understand.
We listen for enjoyment.
We listen to learn.

Given all this listening we do, you would think we’d be good at it! In fact we’re not. Depending on the study being quoted, we remember a dismal 25-50% of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they only really hear 2½-5 minutes of the conversation.

Turn it around and it reveals that when you are receiving directions or being presented with information, you aren’t hearing the whole message either. You hope the important parts are captured in your 25- 50%, but what if they’re not?

Clearly, listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a better listener, you will improve your productivity, as well as your ability to influence, persuade negotiate. What’s more, you’ll avoid conflict and misunderstandings – all necessary for workplace success. )

The way to become a better listener is to practice “active listening”. This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, to try and understand the total message being sent.

In order to do this you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.

You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by what else may be going on around you, or by forming counter arguments that you’ll make when the other person stops speaking. Nor can you allow yourself to lose focus on what the other person is saying. All of these barriers contribute to a lack of listening and understanding.

To enhance your listening skills, you need to let the other person know that you are listening to what he or she is saying. To understand the importance of this, ask yourself if you’ve ever been engaged in a conversation when you wondered if the other person was listening to what you were saying. You wonder if your message is getting across, or if it’s even worthwhile to continue speaking. It feels like talking to a brick wall and it’s something you want to avoid.

Acknowledgement can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple “uh huh.” You aren’t necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening. Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening also reminds you to pay attention and not let your mind wander.

You should also try to respond to the speaker in a way that will both encourage him or her to continue speaking, so that you can get the information if you need. While nodding and “uh huhing” says you’re interested, an occasional question or comment to recap what has been said communicates that you understand the message as well.

Listening is an art, a skill, a discipline, and like other skills, it needs self-control. You must understand what is involved in listening and develop the necessary techniques to be silent and listen. You must ignore your own needs and concentrate attention on the person speaking. Hearing becomes listening only when you pay attention to what is said and follow it very closely.

YOU DEMONSTRATE THAT YOU ARE LISTENING BY:
* your body language                * echoing words
* making eye contact                 * nods of your head
* keeping your body open          * leaning toward the speaker

YOU LISTEN TO:
* show your support and help the other person(s) relax
* show you are accepting them, and open to them
* enable each one to speak and be heard
* be able to ask questions to clarify
* check assumptions
* clear up misperceptions
* re-state or paraphrase
* find the key points or issues
* provide the silence necessary to encourage speech
* know when to bring to closure and when to test for agreements

YOU NEED TO SHOW YOU ARE LISTENING CAREFULLY, THIS IS CALLED “ATTENDING.”  ATTENDING SKILLS BUILD RAPPORT AND HELP PERSONS FEEL AT EASE.
* Listen without interrupting.
* Pay attention.
* Use supportive body language.
* Paraphrase facts and feelings.

YOU ALSO NEED TO PRACTICE REACTING AND RESPONDING IN POSITIVE WAYS.  USING GOOD RESPONDING SKILLS HELP PERSONS UNDERSTAND THE THINGS YOU CARE ABOUT AND HELP YOU COLLECT INFORMATION ABOUT THE SITUATION.
* Ask clarifying questions.
* Ask probing questions.
* Restate what the other person is saying catching the essence, but trying to take out the volatile phrases or
language. This is called “laundering” language and it can reduce friction.
* Summarize facts and feelings.
* Reframe issues, focus on the interests, not positions.
* Try to always use “I” language instead of “You” Not: “When you do that, you make me feel . . .” instead say, “When you do that I feel . . .”
* Try to communicate directly with the other person.
* Be forward thinking, try to focus on the future.

USE “BRAINSTORMING” TO FIND AS MANY OPTIONS OR SOLUTIONS AS POSSIBLE.  THE GROUND RULES TO BRAINSTORMING ARE THAT THE PERSONS IN THE MEETING ARE JUST THROWING OUT IDEAS.  AT THIS POINT IN TIME DO NOT ELIMINATE ANY IDEAS, THAT CAN BE DONE LATER.  THE OTHER GROUND RULE IS THAT JUST BECAUSE AN IDEA IS MENTIONED IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT EITHER PERSON IS AGREEING TO THAT IDEA.  ITS JUST AN IDEA THROWN OUT FOR PURPOSES OF THE BRAININGSTORMING SESSION.  BRAINSTORMING HELPS THE PERSON TURN GOOD IDEAS INTO A PLAN OF ACTION.
LOOK FOR POINTS OF AGREEMENT THAT THE PERSONS HAVE IN COMMON, AND MENTION THEM.

PAYING ATTENTION AND LISTENING WITHOUT INTERRUPTION ALLOWS THE OTHER PERSON TO “LET OFF SOME STEAM.”  BEFORE ANY SERIOUS RESOLUTIONS CAN OCCUR, YOU NEED TO LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM AND YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THEY FEEL STRONGLY ABOU THE ISSUES YOU ARE DISCUSSING WITH THEM.  THEIR INTENSE EMOTIONS MUST BE ACKNOWLEDGED AND AFFIRMED BEFORE SERIOUS SOLUTIONS CAN BE DISCUSSED.  YOU SHOULD ENCOURAGE THE OTHER PERSON TO “LET OFF STEAM” AND EXPLAIN THEIR CONCERNS BY USING VERBAL CUES SUCH AS:
* “I see.”
* “I understand.”
* “That’s a good point.”
* “I can see that you feel strongly about that.”
* “I can understand how you could see it like that.”

THESE NONVERBAL ACTIONS ALSO SHOW THE OTHER PERSON THAT YOU HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING:
* Squarely face the other person.
* Adopt an open posture.
* Lean discreetly toward the other person, not threateningly.
* Maintain eye contact, take cues from the other person as to how much eyecontact s/he is comfortable with.
* Try to relax as you interact with the other person.

OF COURSE, FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE LISTENING, YOU MUST MAKE A RESPONSE.  THE EFFECTIVENESS OF YOUR LISTENING WILL BE DETERMINED BY THE STYLE AND QUALITY OF YOUR RESPONSE.

Can you lend me your ear? Most people believe they are good listeners without considering the important differences between hearing and listening. The ability to hear is typically innate, but the ability to listen well is a skill that must be developed and practiced. Listening means paying attention and making a conscious effort to process what you hear. It is one of our most important skills and it is also one of the most overlooked. We often take our ability to listen for granted, even knowing that it plays a major role in good communication. So are you the type of person who lets information in one ear and out the other, or are you a thoughtful, actively engaged listener? Assess your active listening skills with this test.

Examine the following statements and situations, and indicate how you would most likely respond. In order to receive the most accurate results, please answer as truthfully as possible.

After finishing the test, you will receive a Snapshot Report with an introduction, a graph and a personalized interpretation for one of your test scores. You will then have the option to purchase the full results.

Which activity involves the most amount of listening? Students spend 20 percent of all school related hours just listening. If television watching and one-half of conversations are included, students spend approximately 50 percent of their waking hours just listening. For those hours spent in the classroom, the amount of listening time can be almost 100 percent. Look at your own activities, especially those related to college. Are most of your activities focused around listening, especially in the classroom?

If you ask a group of students to give a one word description of listening, some would say hearing; however, hearing is physical. Listening is following and understanding the sound—it is hearing with a purpose. Good listening is built on three basic skills: attitude, attention, and adjustment. These skills are known collectively as triple-A listening.

Listening is the absorption of the meanings of words and sentences by the brain. Listening leads to the understanding of facts and ideas. But listening takes attention, or sticking to the task at hand in spite of distractions. It requires concentration, which is the focusing of your thoughts upon one particular problem. A person who incorporates listening with concentration is actively listening. Active listening is a method of responding to another that encourages communication.

Listening is a very important skill, especially for tutors. Many tutors tend to talk too much during a tutorial session. This defeats the purpose of tutoring, which is to allow students to learn by discussion. Rather than turning the session into a mini-lecture, tutors must actively listen and encourage their students to become active learners. Giving a student your full attention is sometimes difficult because you start to run out of time, or you find yourself thinking about your next question; however, the time you spend actively listening to your student will result in a quality tutoring session.